I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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