Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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