I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
