i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
