I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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