Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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