Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
