i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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