never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
