You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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