We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
