I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
