I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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