I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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