I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
