we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
