yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
