god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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