you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
