I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
