Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
