SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
