I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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