You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
