the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
