Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
