Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
