He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
