you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
