First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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