I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
