How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
