Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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