we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
there is glitter all over my balls
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