Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
