Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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