Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
