so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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