Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
