If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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