Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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