i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize