my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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