I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
