their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
