Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
