i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
