I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
