i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
