Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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