Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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