If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize