Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
