Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
