dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize