I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
