I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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