bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
