And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
