I am in a vortex of obligation.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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