Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
