I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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