Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
