Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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